it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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