I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
And my parents said I crawled through the house
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
