omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
