I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
