If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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