you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
