From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Damn victory sex feels great
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
