if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
