There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
