Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
