Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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