I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
