this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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