He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
