He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
did i just pee glitter
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
