That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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