My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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