My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
