I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
