did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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