I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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