these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
4 words: hood of his car
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He did a backflip because drugs
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
