so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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