if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
