That's intense
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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