Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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