I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
