I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
