Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
