So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
