i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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