My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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