Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
