Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
