Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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