Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
how drunk are you?
Several
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
