i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have fence marks all over my body
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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