i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dick very happy bro
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
