I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
They took my balls.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
