He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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