i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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