Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
