If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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