I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
