Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
