His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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