just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
