I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
