mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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