i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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